Waiting for Superman.

“The way she smiles.”

I want someone to notice that. Not my cleavage. Not my mini skirt. I don’t want to judge them in the same, degrading way. Muscles, jawline, attire. I walk into a club and I see faces…bodies…so disconnected.

Everyone judges the surface. I believe I have more below the surface to offer and so do most. I can’t stand the thought of wanting to meet someone based solely on their looks. I want to know more…

When you were 5, who was your biggest inspiration? When you fall asleep at night, what’s the last thing you think about? Do you bike, ski, run? Are you Conservative or Liberal? Happy or sad? Where are you in your life right now? Do you say you are a truthful person? How many glasses of water do you drink a day? I bet you forget to floss daily.

And I want them to know more about me…

My biggest inspiration were my parents. I constantly think about my future before I shut my eyes. I play soccer, I dance unprofessionally in my room and shower, and I’m open to doing more. Neither, NDP all the way. Happy, most of the time. I’m not quite sure where life will take me, but I’m sure of myself so that’s ok. I lie, but I know my limits – I am truthful to those I care about. I don’t count, but I probably should. Hey. You’re not my dentist…are you?

I make it sound so easy. But it’s not. It’s much easier to see a face and make assumptions. To settle for not knowing. If the world were blind, maybe we would learn to appreciate the meaning of words. Maybe we’d strike up a few extra conversations throughout our day. Listen to our bodies, accept our feelings, and love with our hearts.

In a world filled with disconnect, we find ourselves waiting for our hero. True…I’m waiting for my superman.

…But I hope I have the strength and courage to stop waiting and be a hero myself.

A.

Found.

You know when you just stand in front of your mirror, totally naked?

You begin to judge yourself…cellulite, stretch marks, excess weight, pasty skin, nose too big, eyes too small, hips too wide…and then one day you stop judging as harshly?

You stand face to face with the mirror and you notice you look great. You’re smiling at yourself. Hold that feeling – just pause and don’t let go. You have made peace with yourself for that very moment and everything is wonderful. It doesn’t matter if it’s raining outside, there’s light in your heart.

I just had that moment. I stood in front of my mirror. I thought to myself…what is wrong with me? During these days when my motivation and confidence are seriously lacking, I’ve been asking myself this question, trying to make sense of my present state.

Immediately I started to think that I must find my flaws. I looked in the mirror at my body. And I didn’t see any. I started thinking about my personality. What is wrong with it? Again I contemplated…and came up with no result. I know I have flaws…everyone does. But in this moment I just had, I had zero. I smiled at myself in the mirror, knowing I had just achieved something big.

I can smile at myself, and in return, boost my own confidence and make myself happy. Today was a great day. Today I found myself again. I guess I had to lose myself to improve myself.

A.

Letter to Myself.

Did he ever love me? Is there another girl? Can I believe someone who broke my heart? Why didn’t he put in effort? Am I not worth the effort? Why can’t I stop thinking about everything? Why didn’t I have the strength to end it first?

Longest relationship I’ve had yet, although it felt too short. And it felt like my “firsts” for a long-term relationship were taken for granted. He had what I wanted before. I wanted that. He wanted to be single…

I get it. I get being in love, falling out of love, heartbreak. I just never would have let myself be the one broken-hearted if I was the old me. If I didn’t focus on appearance…if I had more self-respect…if I had less insecurities.

All I did was try. Trying requires a lot of time and dedication. I was more than flirtatious texting. I was more than sex. I was more than just some girl. But after awhile, I lost myself.

I wanted to please everyone. I wanted to buy expensive things I couldn’t afford. I forgot to write, to read, to laugh. I cried because it became hard. My effort only increased. I thought I could be my own superhero and save my world from falling. But before it ended I realized I was already moving on.

You can’t buy yourself time with someone. You can’t expect their lives to follow the same path as yours. You can hope they stay and dread it when they leave. You can care and you can cry and you can grieve. You can reflect on the past memories and all of your plans for the future. And then you stop.

You realize you kept trying, no matter how much they pulled away. You stuck true to yourself. You write this right now to provide yourself with a little bit more stability – to be your own motivation. You don’t give up without trying. You don’t run when you see a wall breaking – you grab the tools you have and you try and mend it. But when that wall has no structural stability…when it has more issues than you expect, you can’t fix it alone. The wall doesn’t cooperate, and it comes tumbling down one day, when your patch finally wears out. But…who’s the one standing beneath the wall? You. You feel the heartbreak. You feel the hurt. The effort you put in gone to waste.

But then you get up off your ass and brush off the dirt. You’ll have a few bruises but they will heal with time. You leave the broken wall, you walk away. It has fallen, and you have grown. It might not seem like it now, Alissa, but you will be better off. You’ve loved, been loved, and will be loved again. If you did everything you could to fix that wall and all the wall did was hurt you in the end, go find someone to build a new wall with and make sure you maintain it together.

It may not seem like it now, but everything happens for a reason. And always remember, you’re a good reason to be someones everything.

A.