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His eyes hiding behind them.
So many truths untold, until one day, when you can finally hear them. You have heard, learned, been taught. Now you talk, teach, play this role. You never thought this would happen. A conversation unlike any other.
Glasses, like windows. Hiding behind the curtains. Hiding. Hidden thoughts. Texts. Dreams. Indulge, but not for very long. The cat walks across the lawn, the lights are dim, the days, short. Ocean, across. Light,
You don’t learn a good lesson without truth, mystery, frustrations, challenges. Your mind may wander aimlessly for hours, days, weeks…until one speaks what you need to hear. But you would have never known.
Glasses and stubble. 5 o’clock shadow. Shadowed. Smiling. Beauty. Behold the beauty of innocence, strength, fear, riches, moments. Wood burning, music playing. Dancing minds, racing hearts. Stop.
The night clears. The air thickens. Moisture. Humidity. Humility. Laughter. Essence of truth, caked on desires. Hopefulness. Lesson learned. Gazes meet, words expressed, but not the right ones. No time. No time for more. Home.
What a beautiful year of change. Growth.
I wouldn’t trade this year for millions of dollars, or a cruise around the globe on a luxury liner. This year has taught me invaluable lessons, selfishness, selflessness, and much more.
Where do I begin? Let’s start with what I lost, and things that I’ve gained…
I lost myself. Twice.
First, I allowed myself to continue a relationship full of selfishness…my words, I only speak for myself. I held onto a love for someone that fit my life perfectly. Who I could easily grow old with, who fit the criteria. I may have been sad…upset…confused when it ended. But looking back, reflection, he saved me. He gave me what I longed for. A boyfriend…a relationship…someone to do things for. To constantly think & dream about. Someone to stand beside me in pictures. Hold me while I slept. Me, me, me. So many wants in life, so many superficial desires. And he took away from me what I wanted…not what I needed. He took back his love, I took back mine. I lost him, I lost what I thought I needed, I lost what I wanted. I lost myself.
Following the loss of this relationship, I thought I would find another perfect fit. But I knew I needed time. It’s been 5 months. 5 months of classes, friends that mean the world to me, dancing like no one is watching at the gay bar with my girls, crying on couches, laughing at everything….including myself, eating cheese strings until my friends thought intervention may be necessary, rekindling past friendships, meeting new people everywhere I go, kicking my pepsi addiction, building back muscles I never knew I possessed, having one more drink because I can, teaching peers about the importance of a thesis statement, watching my niece develop a personality and totally admiring her at every occassion, texting less until someone interesting comes along, building an even stronger relationship with my brother, less fighting and more love with my parents, getting more grey’s littering my head, not trying to plan every detail of my life, considering working in Whistler, considering coming home, considering everything. I lost myself again. But this time, I know being found is not the answer.
I’m going to continue being lost. Trust me…I know which way to go…forward. Alone. Because that’s what I need. I love what I’m doing. I appreciate the people around me, I appreciate the present. Life has just been working out, in weird ways. I lost myself, twice. I’ve turned the negatives into positives, that’s what life is all about. Lessons. Love. Hate. EVERYTHING. I love medicine, but I love writing, and teaching, I love boys, I love my family. I don’t have to sacrifice anything. My dream in 2014 is to continue this way of thinking. To keep moving forward, to have a mind in constant flux, to never remain “safe”. I am responsible, capable, happy, and in love with myself, right now. So Cheers to a New Year. This is the year that my only resolutions will be to continue to be happy, healthy, and to remember how I feel right now. It feels good.
Happy New Years!
I had to write a story. For my class. I’m in a First Nations class, and we write themed narratives. This one had to relate to honouring an Indigenous woman who writes narratives. We had to create a life narrative that depicted how we’ve changed and how others may be changed from her stories. I chose a Haida woman, Florence Edenshaw Davidson, daughter of well renowned artist, Charles Edenshaw. Her stories about becoming a woman and marriage were very inspiring and I learned a lot about the customs of the times. She was living in a time of change, where Haida traditions were beginning to mix with European customs. I thought I’d share my story on the blog, just for fun! One last thing – it’s partially a women studies class too, hence why we were honouring Indigenous women.
I hastily crawled under my striped duvet, on top of my single mattress. The chilled air in my bedroom forced my withdrawal under the blankets. I am 16 year old, and earlier that night, I had talked to my mother about a boy. His name was Alan, and I liked him. He used to watch me as I wandered aimlessly in the hallways, waiting for classes to begin. I knew, because I saw. He wasn’t good at being sneaky. Alan took a long time to ask me on a date. Before the snow fell we had started liking each other. After it settled, he finally asked me. I was walking home that day and he followed. He told me he would be leaving in 5 months for university after graduation. He was afraid to start, but we agreed we should try.
“Mom,” I said quietly, “Mom, I have to tell you something.” I poked my head into the blackness of her bedroom. She was nestled under the blankets, and moved when I spoke.
“What is it, honey?” She asked, rubbing her eyes as she woke.
“There’s a boy, Mom. Alan. He-he asked me out today. Is that okay?” I stammered on my words. I was 16 now. Mother said I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16. I had only recently become a woman. I was a late bloomer, and everyone could tell. I sat beside her in her bed. She sat up straight against the headboard and turned on the light on the table beside her.
“Do you like this boy?” She looked at me, concerned.
“Definitely.” I replied. I was so nervous, I could feel myself shaking.
“Then okay. You’re old enough. Just please don’t get pregnant.” I chuckled. My Mother had a child when she was 16, my eldest brother Jamie. I wasn’t going to do that. Why would I ever want to get pregnant at 16?
We spoke further about Alan, and I explained how we were going on a date on Friday night. My Mother still seemed concerned, but she trusted me, and gave me her approval. I asked her to tell my Father for me. I felt weird talking about boys with my Father.
I was filled with excitement and nervousness as I crawled back into my own bed. My cat was lying at the end of my bed, next to my feet. His purring calmed me, and eventually my eyes shut.
While my eyes were closed, my mind began to dream. Immediately I was placed in a village. This was a village I had seen in my Haida classes in elementary school. I saw intricately designed totem poles erected in front of many longhouses. Canoes lay in the grass. I saw fish hanging to dry, children dressed in hides, and women around fires heating up rocks. I could faintly hear women singing, in an unfamiliar language. I followed the singing into a long house.
I hunched over to enter the door carved out of the totem pole. Inside I saw girls, lying. What is happening in here? There were three girls inside, lying in different areas, as other older women catered to their needs. The other women were singing songs as they did their work. One girl in particular, about the age of thirteen, I noticed first. She was in the corner, lying, and nothing more.
I walked over to her. Nobody in the longhouse noticed me. Am I invisible? I waved my hands in front of the girl laying, but her eyes were closed. She had very soft features, shoulder-length dark brown hair, and her lips closed gently. I whispered in her ear. “Hey you, what are you doing?” I asked. Her eyelids bolted open and she turned her head to stare at me. When she noticed none of the other women could see me, she seemed puzzled. “Who are you?!” she whispered loudly. The women looked over at her, so she looked away. When the others went back to singing, she slowly turned her head towards me again, eyes wide.
“My name is Alissa. I don’t know where I am. What are you doing?” She looked at me as if my skin were foreign – which was right. Her eyes scanned me entirely before she replied.
“My name is Florence. Florence Edenshaw. This is my home, and I’m on tagwena (menstruation).” I was still confused. I asked her to clarify. Her English wasn’t the best, but she managed to tell me about her bleeding. She resisted at first, almost as if she were ashamed.
“Oh! You mean your period! I just got mine today too. I got it a few months ago. This is my third time. I’m 16. Much older than you. Why must you lay down?” I was excited to talk about it with her, as I hadn’t told many girl friends about it yet. She remained quiet and still. So I asked her again why she had to lay.
“You don’t know anything about the blood and you bleed so much.”(Blackman, 1982: 91). Her eyes closed. “You have to lie down, and you must not drink water, for it is bad luck. You cannot look at the sea, or your face will twitch. You cannot eat shellfish, or much of anything, really.” She shifted her weight. “You have to have respect for yourself, my mother told me.” (Blackman, 1982:91).
“Well, that’s just silly!” I replied, throwing my hands in the air. “I wear a tampon. It’s a cotton ball inside of me. I can walk, run, and even swim when I wear it!” I was shocked by the traditions she was forced to partake in. How can you just lay here all day? She spoke of how she must lay there for two weeks. I laughed, thinking it was all a joke. Clearly, it wasn’t, as indicated by her facial expression.
I told her I would come back. I stood up to leave the longhouse, to go find a something to eat. The village had to have something for me to eat. But as I left the longhouse, things began to change. I looked around me and noticed white buildings now, with smaller totem poles erected in front. What is going on? Where am I? It looked very different. The people outside were dressed differently than before. The fish was now drying on the front porches, and I couldn’t hear singing. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see Florence standing before me, wearing a long skirt, her hair still shoulder length. She looked to be a little bit older. But instead of lying, she was standing.
“Hello!” I exclaimed, “I was wondering where you may have gotten to!”
“I haven’t seen your white face around here in some time, Alissa. Where have you been?”
“What do you mean? I left the longhouse and this is where I am now!” I lifted my arms to show off the surroundings. Florence looked at me with another puzzled look. “You folks sure can be crazy,” she muttered.
We walked towards a small house together. She opened the door, peered inside to make sure the coast was clear, and then invited me in. She lived in a house now, with an intricate layout, unlike the longhouse from before. She showed me her living room, the kitchen, the bedrooms. It was quite a nice house. It was very similar to mine, but with more bedrooms. She must have a lot of people living with her.
“You’re never going to get a husband like that.” (Blackman, 1982:93) She told me. I asked for further clarification. “Your shoes are untied and under those nails, they’re dirty.” I shoved my hands in my pockets. Sure, they were dirty, but not that bad. “My Mother always told me that when you make bread, you wash the dough off,” she said. Florence also told me about the man down the road who didn’t marry a woman because she always forgot to tie her shoes. I sat at her kitchen table, listening to her stories in awe. She lives such a peculiar life than I.
“Don’t drink too much water and eat too much shellfish; you become poor.” (Blackman, 1982: 93). Her Father told her this. I asked her why she wore such a long skirt now than when I had last seen her. “I am a married woman now,” was her response. My mouth dropped suddenly. Oh man, this can’t be real.
“My wedding was awful,” she exclaimed, “I didn’t want to get married. I had non-traditional foods, a wedding cake, and people would waltz and sing a variety of songs.” She stared out the window as she spoke, looking down the unpaved street. “The people were married in the Indian way before the missionaries came.” (Blackman, 1982: 72). I wonder how that was.
She was baking cakes and bread – lots of bread. She had a button blanket on her wall depicting a traditional crest. I saw woven baskets.
“How can you be married? I am 16 and my parents just let me have a boyfriend!” I was so confused, and began to get homesick. Where am I? Florence seemed even more confused than I.
“I didn’t let my husband touch me for a long time. He told someone I didn’t want babies because he’s not handsome. Finally I gave in.” (Blackman, 1982: 101). I was so foreign to these concepts. I had never kissed a boy. Alan had not yet kissed me.
“Alissa, I don’t know where you come from. But ever since your white men came here, things have been changing. We follow what you do. Haven’t you noticed I speak English much better? I even taught my third child mostly English. I hope to have many more children, and I will continue to teach them English.” She had stopped smiling at me and waited for a response. In that moment, I just couldn’t imagine a life where I was to lay during my menstruation each month, where I must not drink water and eat shellfish or I will have bad luck. Where I have birthed children before the age of 20. Where I stop speaking my language to my children because of someone else’s preferences.
She sauntered over to the door. “I’m sorry Alissa, but Robert will be back any moment. You must leave before then. I have to get dinner ready, clean, and get the children’s Sunday clothes ready.” I stood up and took one last glance around her home. I looked at Florence, a girl younger than I, with so much more wisdom and life experience. I gave her a hug.
“Thank you Florence, thank you. You don’t even know how much you have helped me. I wish you and Robert all the best. Keep sewing and making button blankets. Keep weaving and doing things with your hands. One day, you won’t have to lay. Us white people, we don’t lay. I don’t have to marry yet. I am 16 and I don’t have to marry. I got to school and will continue to do so. Should I ever see you again, I hope you will be able to see how I live. It is much different, Florence. I don’t have culture or traditions. I find all of your traditions silly, but you find the lack of traditions I have silly too. I have a boyfriend now, not a husband. You’ve grown up so fast, Florence. I admire you.”
I stared at the beautiful, brown skinned, young girl. Florence’s hair descended to the tops of her shoulders. She was similar in height to me, but I was short for my age. I stepped outside.
I woke up slowly. I wanted to keep dreaming, but eventually I got up. I slid out from under my covers and headed to the washroom to have a quick shower. I looked at my white skin and brown hair as I washed myself. My small chest and hips reminded me of my youth. I remembered my dream, and Florence. How she had to lay. How she had to grow up so fast. How she had to face so many changes. I am so thankful for my life. I had choices, she didn’t. She hated her wedding. She hated having to lay. She loved to do things with her hands.
I dried off my body and got ready for school. After I had put up my hair and gathered my books, I went to school. As I walked into my first class, I noticed Alan on the opposite side of the room. Still nervous, I sat behind him without talking. He turned to me and smiled. In that moment I imagined myself married to him, baking bread, birthing many children. I just couldn’t imagine.
“We are still good for Friday night?” he asked. I nodded, still silent. I knew from this moment on that I was becoming a woman. I might not be like Florence, sitting in a kitchen. But now I was entering the years of change, relationships, family, and more. Life started now.
“The way she smiles.”
I want someone to notice that. Not my cleavage. Not my mini skirt. I don’t want to judge them in the same, degrading way. Muscles, jawline, attire. I walk into a club and I see faces…bodies…so disconnected.
Everyone judges the surface. I believe I have more below the surface to offer and so do most. I can’t stand the thought of wanting to meet someone based solely on their looks. I want to know more…
When you were 5, who was your biggest inspiration? When you fall asleep at night, what’s the last thing you think about? Do you bike, ski, run? Are you Conservative or Liberal? Happy or sad? Where are you in your life right now? Do you say you are a truthful person? How many glasses of water do you drink a day? I bet you forget to floss daily.
And I want them to know more about me…
My biggest inspiration were my parents. I constantly think about my future before I shut my eyes. I play soccer, I dance unprofessionally in my room and shower, and I’m open to doing more. Neither, NDP all the way. Happy, most of the time. I’m not quite sure where life will take me, but I’m sure of myself so that’s ok. I lie, but I know my limits – I am truthful to those I care about. I don’t count, but I probably should. Hey. You’re not my dentist…are you?
I make it sound so easy. But it’s not. It’s much easier to see a face and make assumptions. To settle for not knowing. If the world were blind, maybe we would learn to appreciate the meaning of words. Maybe we’d strike up a few extra conversations throughout our day. Listen to our bodies, accept our feelings, and love with our hearts.
In a world filled with disconnect, we find ourselves waiting for our hero. True…I’m waiting for my superman.
…But I hope I have the strength and courage to stop waiting and be a hero myself.
I love being single.
I love it.
Never have I felt so stable with who I am.
To enjoy this.
I used to seek attention…I wanted male attention. I would take almost any kind. I like it, as any girl does. But this time…I respect it. I respect the boys who flirt. Who put effort into complimenting you. I don’t feel the need to rush into anything…friendship or relationship. I am happy.
Can we all take a moment. Take one moment to be happy.
I realize family is important. So are friends. And right now, all I want, is to get to know more people. Have better memories with those people who are less likely to walk in and out of your life.
I respect how things happened. Bad, yes. Forgiving? Not yet. But maybe one day. I respect myself because of what has happened. I know what I want. I know it.
I want to listen to stories. I want to study. I want to ride a bike. I want to travel with friends. I want to be there for my niece. I want to be a role model. I want to tell my parents I love them everyday for as long as they live. I want to be a better person.
It took a really bad moment to take me to where I am now. I feel the bags under my eyes. I hear myself complaining often. I need to think positive. I need to be happy. I know I can be.
I am my own role model. I want to be the best me. One day, I will forgive. I know it. Because it leads to a better me. I will forgive because I owe it to myself. Because having hate in my heart leaves no room for happiness.
Here’s to throwing away that hate….one day at a time.
I want to cry.
Instead I’ll smile.