Letter to Myself.

Did he ever love me? Is there another girl? Can I believe someone who broke my heart? Why didn’t he put in effort? Am I not worth the effort? Why can’t I stop thinking about everything? Why didn’t I have the strength to end it first?

Longest relationship I’ve had yet, although it felt too short. And it felt like my “firsts” for a long-term relationship were taken for granted. He had what I wanted before. I wanted that. He wanted to be single…

I get it. I get being in love, falling out of love, heartbreak. I just never would have let myself be the one broken-hearted if I was the old me. If I didn’t focus on appearance…if I had more self-respect…if I had less insecurities.

All I did was try. Trying requires a lot of time and dedication. I was more than flirtatious texting. I was more than sex. I was more than just some girl. But after awhile, I lost myself.

I wanted to please everyone. I wanted to buy expensive things I couldn’t afford. I forgot to write, to read, to laugh. I cried because it became hard. My effort only increased. I thought I could be my own superhero and save my world from falling. But before it ended I realized I was already moving on.

You can’t buy yourself time with someone. You can’t expect their lives to follow the same path as yours. You can hope they stay and dread it when they leave. You can care and you can cry and you can grieve. You can reflect on the past memories and all of your plans for the future. And then you stop.

You realize you kept trying, no matter how much they pulled away. You stuck true to yourself. You write this right now to provide yourself with a little bit more stability – to be your own motivation. You don’t give up without trying. You don’t run when you see a wall breaking – you grab the tools you have and you try and mend it. But when that wall has no structural stability…when it has more issues than you expect, you can’t fix it alone. The wall doesn’t cooperate, and it comes tumbling down one day, when your patch finally wears out. But…who’s the one standing beneath the wall? You. You feel the heartbreak. You feel the hurt. The effort you put in gone to waste.

But then you get up off your ass and brush off the dirt. You’ll have a few bruises but they will heal with time. You leave the broken wall, you walk away. It has fallen, and you have grown. It might not seem like it now, Alissa, but you will be better off. You’ve loved, been loved, and will be loved again. If you did everything you could to fix that wall and all the wall did was hurt you in the end, go find someone to build a new wall with and make sure you maintain it together.

It may not seem like it now, but everything happens for a reason. And always remember, you’re a good reason to be someones everything.

A.

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