What a beautiful year of change. Growth.
I wouldn’t trade this year for millions of dollars, or a cruise around the globe on a luxury liner. This year has taught me invaluable lessons, selfishness, selflessness, and much more.
Where do I begin? Let’s start with what I lost, and things that I’ve gained…
I lost myself. Twice.
First, I allowed myself to continue a relationship full of selfishness…my words, I only speak for myself. I held onto a love for someone that fit my life perfectly. Who I could easily grow old with, who fit the criteria. I may have been sad…upset…confused when it ended. But looking back, reflection, he saved me. He gave me what I longed for. A boyfriend…a relationship…someone to do things for. To constantly think & dream about. Someone to stand beside me in pictures. Hold me while I slept. Me, me, me. So many wants in life, so many superficial desires. And he took away from me what I wanted…not what I needed. He took back his love, I took back mine. I lost him, I lost what I thought I needed, I lost what I wanted. I lost myself.
Following the loss of this relationship, I thought I would find another perfect fit. But I knew I needed time. It’s been 5 months. 5 months of classes, friends that mean the world to me, dancing like no one is watching at the gay bar with my girls, crying on couches, laughing at everything….including myself, eating cheese strings until my friends thought intervention may be necessary, rekindling past friendships, meeting new people everywhere I go, kicking my pepsi addiction, building back muscles I never knew I possessed, having one more drink because I can, teaching peers about the importance of a thesis statement, watching my niece develop a personality and totally admiring her at every occassion, texting less until someone interesting comes along, building an even stronger relationship with my brother, less fighting and more love with my parents, getting more grey’s littering my head, not trying to plan every detail of my life, considering working in Whistler, considering coming home, considering everything. I lost myself again. But this time, I know being found is not the answer.
I’m going to continue being lost. Trust me…I know which way to go…forward. Alone. Because that’s what I need. I love what I’m doing. I appreciate the people around me, I appreciate the present. Life has just been working out, in weird ways. I lost myself, twice. I’ve turned the negatives into positives, that’s what life is all about. Lessons. Love. Hate. EVERYTHING. I love medicine, but I love writing, and teaching, I love boys, I love my family. I don’t have to sacrifice anything. My dream in 2014 is to continue this way of thinking. To keep moving forward, to have a mind in constant flux, to never remain “safe”. I am responsible, capable, happy, and in love with myself, right now. So Cheers to a New Year. This is the year that my only resolutions will be to continue to be happy, healthy, and to remember how I feel right now. It feels good.
Happy New Years!