Tough life. Life is tough. One moment it’s easy, but you’ve forgotten to balance. Balance your friends with your cheque book, balance your studies with your beau. Balance everything.
So you wake up one day with an emerging epiphany, or is that just another grey hair? You think, I need to be better. I need to be more than I was yesterday. I need to prove to myself, to the world, that I know how to have an easy life. I possess the organization, the skills to balance. To be whole.
And you try for the next 24 hours to be on top of things. You say hello and goodbye. You eat quick, and think much faster. You make your bed, you wash your clothes, you say goodnight.
You saw very little. Your friend was in need of comfort, but you had no time. Your food was not savored, your bed was unwelcoming. Your dreams lacked spontaneity, no escape from your perfect world. You balanced everything, and lost more.
You walk around proud of your achievements. Of your ability to do what makes you thrive. But you feel alone, you crave attention, you try to be perfect but perfection isn’t perfect.
You have these wings that emerge when you do something for yourself, something that changes you. You fly to the comfort of the collective, as they fly to you. To follow the standard approach, to organize your chaos, to streamline your mistakes to reach avoidance. You are hiding those wings that take you to new places.
I wanted to be normal. You wanted to be normal. But normal isn’t perfect. Normal lacks creativity, the term is stagnant. Live in constant flux, never pausing, always seeking new lessons, new experiences. You will find a passion for something that you hadn’t thought twice about before, before you hopped under your covers. You love like you live, in a stable manor. But those who love most, feel most, see hearts collide, beating. Be jealous of the free birds, not the nested ones.
“Nothing would make me happier.”
Hearing those words from my oldest brother…I never quite understood how much he loved me until now.
He and I had a minimalistic relationship when I was young. 14 years difference in age is definitely a contributor. It wasn’t until I requested his presence at my high school graduation, that our sibling relationship began to flourish.
He and I have very different personalities. He is the macho, douchey (but deep down sweetheart), big armed guy. I am the petite, academic sister who is in university. He has taken the role of “cheerleader” for my education. Always there to support.
I wish I could give him more in return. He has given me so much in the past four years…security and peace knowing I can confide in him. Trip to Whistler, paying for my food, introducing me to new people, coming to all of my life events, speaking positive about me. I try to to the same in return. I let everyone around me know that I love my brother and that he is a kind, thoughtful person, regardless of his initial persona.
They say siblings are the family that will be with you the longest, as age is close. Sure, we may have 14 years separation, but I see him in my life for as long as I can see. I recently was accepted into a masters program in the city he resides in. He said to me, “nothing would make me happier than for you to live here.”
I am excited for a new chapter in life, a new city, new people..but I recognize the importance of family and keeping them close. If there’s one thing I can do for him, it’s to be his family and to be near him. I want to continue to be his friend, and to show him what family is all about again!
So I send a warm thank you to my big brother. He is one of the most important persons in my life, and I can’t wait to live nearby.
Cheers to family!
His eyes hiding behind them.
So many truths untold, until one day, when you can finally hear them. You have heard, learned, been taught. Now you talk, teach, play this role. You never thought this would happen. A conversation unlike any other.
Glasses, like windows. Hiding behind the curtains. Hiding. Hidden thoughts. Texts. Dreams. Indulge, but not for very long. The cat walks across the lawn, the lights are dim, the days, short. Ocean, across. Light,
You don’t learn a good lesson without truth, mystery, frustrations, challenges. Your mind may wander aimlessly for hours, days, weeks…until one speaks what you need to hear. But you would have never known.
Glasses and stubble. 5 o’clock shadow. Shadowed. Smiling. Beauty. Behold the beauty of innocence, strength, fear, riches, moments. Wood burning, music playing. Dancing minds, racing hearts. Stop.
The night clears. The air thickens. Moisture. Humidity. Humility. Laughter. Essence of truth, caked on desires. Hopefulness. Lesson learned. Gazes meet, words expressed, but not the right ones. No time. No time for more. Home.
What a beautiful year of change. Growth.
I wouldn’t trade this year for millions of dollars, or a cruise around the globe on a luxury liner. This year has taught me invaluable lessons, selfishness, selflessness, and much more.
Where do I begin? Let’s start with what I lost, and things that I’ve gained…
I lost myself. Twice.
First, I allowed myself to continue a relationship full of selfishness…my words, I only speak for myself. I held onto a love for someone that fit my life perfectly. Who I could easily grow old with, who fit the criteria. I may have been sad…upset…confused when it ended. But looking back, reflection, he saved me. He gave me what I longed for. A boyfriend…a relationship…someone to do things for. To constantly think & dream about. Someone to stand beside me in pictures. Hold me while I slept. Me, me, me. So many wants in life, so many superficial desires. And he took away from me what I wanted…not what I needed. He took back his love, I took back mine. I lost him, I lost what I thought I needed, I lost what I wanted. I lost myself.
Following the loss of this relationship, I thought I would find another perfect fit. But I knew I needed time. It’s been 5 months. 5 months of classes, friends that mean the world to me, dancing like no one is watching at the gay bar with my girls, crying on couches, laughing at everything….including myself, eating cheese strings until my friends thought intervention may be necessary, rekindling past friendships, meeting new people everywhere I go, kicking my pepsi addiction, building back muscles I never knew I possessed, having one more drink because I can, teaching peers about the importance of a thesis statement, watching my niece develop a personality and totally admiring her at every occassion, texting less until someone interesting comes along, building an even stronger relationship with my brother, less fighting and more love with my parents, getting more grey’s littering my head, not trying to plan every detail of my life, considering working in Whistler, considering coming home, considering everything. I lost myself again. But this time, I know being found is not the answer.
I’m going to continue being lost. Trust me…I know which way to go…forward. Alone. Because that’s what I need. I love what I’m doing. I appreciate the people around me, I appreciate the present. Life has just been working out, in weird ways. I lost myself, twice. I’ve turned the negatives into positives, that’s what life is all about. Lessons. Love. Hate. EVERYTHING. I love medicine, but I love writing, and teaching, I love boys, I love my family. I don’t have to sacrifice anything. My dream in 2014 is to continue this way of thinking. To keep moving forward, to have a mind in constant flux, to never remain “safe”. I am responsible, capable, happy, and in love with myself, right now. So Cheers to a New Year. This is the year that my only resolutions will be to continue to be happy, healthy, and to remember how I feel right now. It feels good.
Happy New Years!